Another morning of discussing what to do while eating. My dad is served 10 oz of coffee in a 12 oz cup.
Dad: This isn't very much coffee!
Mike: Do you need a smaller cup so it looks fuller?
Dad: Val maybe we can go to that shoe store.
Mom: Which one?
Dad: The fleet feet.
Mom: I'm not going to the fleet feet.
Dad: Different parts of the country have different shoes. They have different shoes. Even the Kmarts have different kinds of shoes, different sizes, for the widths. Hey Mike, do you have a sports chalet? What about a sports authority?
Mike: I don't know. It probably doesn't matter.
Dad: Your feet are totally different in Arizona than they are here!
Us: Oy. Ok.
Dad: Can you accept that? OK question: They even tell you when you buy shoes, you should buy shoes in the evening because your feet swell. In different humidity. The humidity can make your foot swell.
Dad: Val you have 37 messages here. In your email you have 37 messages.
Val: (from kitchen) OK Jerry I'll do it later. I'll do the email.
Dad: 37 messages you're going to delete all of them.
A few minutes later she went over near him and tried to open the blinds. Although she failed at this, she was near the computer.
Dad: Val you have 37 messages. You're going to delete all of them except the one from Sal.
She gave in and looked at the computer.
After eating fried potatoes, and eggs, and a bagel, we offered some cinnamon snack cake made partly with coconut flour.
Mom: It's good though you can kinda taste the coconut in the thing.
Dad: It's heavy. Boy is that heavy. It is heavy.
Mike informs them that at some point Ina&Kevin may come over for dinner another day...
Dad: She can see what a picky eater I am!
Mike: She has met you before. She has observed you not eating.
Dad: And dinner is going to be between 5 and 6?
Mike: What was promised to you before you got here?
Dad: No I just want to make sure because I want to go to the health club and work out, and make sure it's an hour and a half before I eat.
Dad: Is Jack up? I think I'll call Jack and see if he's up. Val, I'll use that [the toothbrush] when you're done.
My dad had gone to the FFC and asked about getting a "I'm from out of town, can I work out here?" pass. The guy apparently asked if he had gotten this pass before.
Dad: I went to the health club the guy sez to me have you been here before. So I sez to him let's see, you've got the chest machine in that corner over there. The balls are over there. The other machine is over there. He sez how do you know. I sez I come here every year.
We managed to get them rush tickets to Jersey Boys for tonight. Its theater is about a 10 or 15 minute walk, but it's easy enough to just take a bus up Dearborn from the stop about 100 yards from our front door.
Dad: Where is there a bus stop?
Me: In front of Hackney's
. You remember where Hackney's is, right?
Dad: Yes of course I know where hackneys is. We ate there with Mike's parents.
Me: That is correct.
Dad: There's no bus stop there. On the side street.
Me: Hackney's is on dearborn and there is a bus stop right in front of it.
Dad: No there is not! There is no bus stop there I have been there! *points in exactly the opposite direction*
Dad: It's right there! We walked in, sat at the bar while we waited, and then sat in the third to the last table. It's right there, we were there. The entrance is on a side street.
Me: I don't remember or care where we sat. The entrance is on Dearborn. I don't think there's one in the back, on Plymouth. There is a bus stop, on dearborn, at which several buses stop before heading north on Dearborn.
Dad: No. I was there. Last year. There is no bus stop.
Me: So what I'm hearing is, I, the person living here, am telling you about where a bus stop is. And what I'm hearing from you, someone who does not live here, is arguing about whether there's a bus stop and where it is, and pointing in the opposite direction instead of "ok thanks."
Dad: There's no bus stop I was there.
They decided to invent a cost of the rush tickets for my grandmother, so she wouldn't get upset if they spend $25/ticket. We all had to be in on the lie.
Dad: So what's the story for your mother in case she asks me.
Mom: They had like a drawing and we won it so we were able to get the $10 tickets in the back of the orchestra section
Dad: You know what she'll say to you: so much?
And now, a collection of random "conversations" from the past 2 days - they typically came from out of nowhere.
Dad: I saw on ESPN there's a lady 41 years old she's in the olympics, she's 41 years old. She takes her own chiropractor with her.
Mom: Oh really you saw this on the news?
Dad: Yeah, a lot of them do that. They take their own chiropractors because it stretches your muscles.
Dad: My calf is really sore. MM! HM!
Dad: Do you know there was a big fight on the View?
Me: You watch The View?
Dad: I like a good fight.
Me: And who do you side with?
Dad: I like Elizabeth
Me: Of course you do.
Dad: No! someone sent a video of the fight.
They watch - engrossed,entranced - a youtube video of the view with Whoopi Goldberg arguing with Elizabeth about who can and cannot, should and should not say the N word.
Dad: I happen to agrees with her [Elizabeth]!
Dad: She's very smart. She's right.
Dad: Val, Diane sent an email at midnight.
Dad: Open it up, I'm dying to see her email.
Dad: Ow! ow! ow!
Mom: She says she went to the doctor and had a stress test. Scott do you know what a Thalium stress test is? What does it look for?
Me: Do you know what a stress test is for?
Mom: They look at your heart?
Me: And how do they stress you?
Mom: Well, you can go on a treadmill
Mom: Or, they can ...give you some kind of chemical!
Me: *coy* Could that chemical be called Thalium?
Mom: Ohhhhhhh! So the results tell about the heart?
Me: That's what we all figured out together.
Mom: This friend of ours the one I bought the mug for, all of a sudden she had terrible chest pains she felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. They kept her overnight...
Dad: Where are my socks Val?!? Where are my socks?
Mom: ...and then they let her out the next day. And then they said she should have another test, on tuesday and wednesday, and now she got the results.
Dad: Anything else in the mail?
Mom: The next appointment is for her legs and they want to rule out a blockage in the veins. But her legs are in bad shape for her legs. Should I reply back?
Dad: Yeah! Tell her that I ate at Nathan's! Stan will hate that!
Mom: It's so funny typing on yours because it's not as deep as mine, the letters. It's weird.
Dad: You must have a big Puerto Rican section here in Chicago, right? Because this is a Puerto Rican parade. Here. Where is the Puerto Rican section?
Me: If I told you it wouldn't mean anything to you.
Dad: That's fine.
Me: Humboldt Park.
Dad: When I get back I'm going to ask the guys from Chicago where that is.
Mike: You wouldn't prefer to look at a map?
Dad: I'm going to ask the guys from Chicago where it is.
*The channel was then changed to ESPN*
Dad: You know the new batman movie Dark Knight? People just paid $180 a ticket to see it. We should go see that tonight.
Dad: We saw several hookers last night. Walking home.
Dad: What? They were hookers!
Me: You lost all credibility when you thought the black women from the Greek restaurant were hookers, sitting at the bar.
Dad: I didn't say the women at the bar were hookers.
Me: You said the ones there were
Dad: No! I said the 3 at the front?
Me: They were not hookers. They were sitting on chairs in the entrance waiting to be seated. They were professional African-American women who were going to dinner after work.
Dad: They were hookers!
Me: Ok, whatever, but since that is what you think hookers are, I don't care whether you saw alleged hookers walking home.
Dad: Scott, I saw hookers walking home tonight.
Me: Fine! it doesn't matter!
Me: So, want to go see Chris Rock?
Dad: I like Chris Rock. He's great!
Dad: I love watching black comedians. Do you know [multiple names listed]? He swears! It's great
Me: Not really.
Dad: Higley? DJ Higley? You like DJ Higley? Who's the other one Val? Who's the other one? You remember him Val? He had his own special? He was great on the black comedy show but on his own show he was horrible!
Me: D.L. Hughley?
Dad: Yeah him. And Martin Lawrence. They're great.
Dad: Scott! Is there anywhere I can go to get a gatorade after the gym?
Me: When we went by the gym yesterday and you asked about your pass, did we also go to a grocery store?
Me: Are you sure we didn't go to Jewel?
Dad: I didn't go by a Jewels!
Me: We went to the gym and Jewel which are right next to each other
Mom: Jer, remember yesterday when we went to get the passes. We went in the Jewel Osco.
Dad: The grocery store isn't on the way to the gym!
Me: I never said it was.
Dad: I asked what I can go to on the way. Forget it! I'll get a power drink. I'll get a smoothie. They're only $2. I'll get one.
Mom: Scott, your shoes are matching again today
Mom: I said to your dad yesterday how you were wearing brown shoes and your clothes had brown in them. Today you are wearing clothes with black in them and your black shoes.
Me: I'm not a savage!
Me: I'm not an animal
Dad: I didn't call you an animal!
Me: I didn't say you did. I said I'm not one
Mom: Why are you saying that?
Me: Never mind, our senses of humors are not compatible
Me: You made a "joke" earlier about asking a store with an Obama sticker in the window if they had any McCain stickers. I didn't laugh. Now I'm making a joke, and you are unaware of its humor.
Dad: What joke?!?
Me: You were commenting on how I dress well, and I responded with 'Well I'm not an animal!'
Mom: Animals don't dress well!
Me: Ohmygod. Never. Mind.