Scott's MD-PhD Adventure

Sunday, July 20, 2008

This is great

My dad requested we watch The Queens of Comedy after discussing yesterday how we both like black comedians.

Dad: How come there's no white people in the audience!

Dad: We've seen her before. On Def Comedy Jam. She and Precious. She's a riot

Dad: Scott How old is this tape? Cause I recognize the old Cadillacs

10:29 *Adele ends*
Dad: She was great!

10:30 *Sommore walks out*
Dad: Doesn't she look like Lena Horne?
Mom: Yeah. Have we seen her?
Dad: Yeah, on Def Comedy Jam. She's a trip!

10:52 *Sommore ends*
Dad: One more left, right?
Me: yes
Dad: The big one? This is great.
Dad: Are you kidding. I love this shit! I could listen to this all night!

10:53 *scene of the Queens in the general store*
Dad: The white lady in the back, she has no idea what's going on. She's scared. She's shaking. That's funny. Val! There's a white lady. She's shaking!

Miss Laura: What can I say about this sister except she's the sweetest, craziest girl I know?!
Dad: She is!
Miss Laura: Welcome, Queen Mo'nique
Mom: Everybody's name is Queen?
Dad: She's great!
Mom: You know her?
Dad: I've seen her before. She is the best.

Dad: Val you ok? You falling asleep?
Mom: No, not at all
Dad: Yeah right! This is great!

Mo'nique: A white bitch knows when to shut up, and say say "Peter...I'm sorry"
Dad: Peter?!

Dad: Hey Val! Can you see anyone in [our neighborhood] watching this show? Huh? Nobody!

11:07 *Interstate BBQ*
Dad: What is that shit? Is that ham?
Mom: Bologna!

11:16 *Mo'nique mentions butt fucking*
Dad: *turns back and looks at me 3 times. says nothing*

11:19 *Mo'nique discusses rimming*
Dad: Hear that Val?!

11:21 *Mo'nique ends*
Dad: She's the best. She is great! You gonna go get ready for bed Val?

11:24 *DVD ends*
That's it huh? I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I'm wiped. It's late. That's it! Time to go night night.


You live in a different world

We decided to go do the Wicked ticket lottery for rush seats. On sundays, the lottery is at 12 at Borders for a 2pm show. We arrive at the 3rd floor at 11:40 and see the box for the drawing but no blank forms.

Dad: Where are the tickets?
Me: I don't know. We probably have to get some from a person.
Dad: How do you know that!
Me: I figured it out.
Dad: Do you know that?
Me: *to person filling one out* Hey, where'd you get the entry form?
Person: There's a guy who was working at that desk. He had them
Me: Oh, ok.

Dad: So where's the guy?
Me: Maybe helping someone else. He'll come back.

Dad: Where the hell is he?!
Me: Calm down
Dad: I'm gonna go look for him
Me: I don't think that's necessary. Have some patience
Dad: The guy should be here. I wanna go look.
Me: Just relax
Mom: Scott, your dad wants to look
Me: It's unnecessary

Dad: I'm going to find him!
Me: Just have patience. The drawing isn't for 17 minutes
Mom: He doesn't have any. *giggle*
Me: I know. It's unfortunate
Dad: I'm leaving

11:46 - he returns with Borders employee
Dad: See! I got a person!
Me: He would have come back up here anyway.
Dad: No, I asked him why he wasn't up here. He sez the girl who's supposed to work on the 2nd floor didn't come in today, so he's working both floors.
Me: That's irrelevant
Dad: It's not irrelevant! He was gonna stay down there!
Me: Why would he have stayed down there?! He had all the entry forms. He was eventually going to come back up.
Dad: No he wasn't. He said he had to work 2 floors.
Mom: Jer, Scott, it doesn't matter any more.
Dad: See I was right! I got the man.
Me: It doesn't matter that you got him. Eventually he would have come up.
Dad: You don't know that!

12:00 - Box Office woman runs the lottery. Ticket guy pulls the names from the hat.
12:07 - Mike's name gets called. They get to go see the show. We get tickets and take the bus home for them to change.

Dad: I'm gonna say something...and Scott is gonna disagree. I think I did a great thing getting the guy.
Me: No. You didn't. You did an impatient thing.
Dad: Scott! He wasn't coming up! The girl didn't come in
Me: That doesn't matter
Dad: Excuse me! What he said was, the girl who was supposed to work on the 2nd floor did not come in today. That meant he had to work both floors.
Me: Who pulled the tickets from the box?
Dad: Huh?
Me: Who pulled the tickets from the box to select the winners?
Dad: What's that go to do with anything!
Me: Didn't the person who pulled the tickets have to come upstairs
Dad: So!
Me: So if he had to come up anyway, eventually he would have arrived if you were more patient.
Dad: How were we gonna put our thing in the box?
Me: Clearly there would have been enough people gathered over 15 minutes if he came up too late that they would wait till everyone put their entry in before picking names
Dad: I think I did the right thing. I'm from the streets. I know what I'm doing. You live in a different world.
Me: Whatever.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

More Parents: Sarcasm and "Sez"es

Another morning of discussing what to do while eating. My dad is served 10 oz of coffee in a 12 oz cup.
Dad: This isn't very much coffee!
Mike: Do you need a smaller cup so it looks fuller?
Mom: *giggle*
Dad: Val maybe we can go to that shoe store.
Mom: Which one?
Dad: The fleet feet.
Mom: I'm not going to the fleet feet.
Dad: Different parts of the country have different shoes. They have different shoes. Even the Kmarts have different kinds of shoes, different sizes, for the widths. Hey Mike, do you have a sports chalet? What about a sports authority?
Mike: I don't know. It probably doesn't matter.
Dad: Your feet are totally different in Arizona than they are here!
Us: Oy. Ok.
Dad: Can you accept that? OK question: They even tell you when you buy shoes, you should buy shoes in the evening because your feet swell. In different humidity. The humidity can make your foot swell.

Dad: Val you have 37 messages here. In your email you have 37 messages.
Val: (from kitchen) OK Jerry I'll do it later. I'll do the email.
Dad: 37 messages you're going to delete all of them.
A few minutes later she went over near him and tried to open the blinds. Although she failed at this, she was near the computer.
Dad: Val you have 37 messages. You're going to delete all of them except the one from Sal.
She gave in and looked at the computer.

After eating fried potatoes, and eggs, and a bagel, we offered some cinnamon snack cake made partly with coconut flour.
Mom: It's good though you can kinda taste the coconut in the thing.
Dad: It's heavy. Boy is that heavy. It is heavy.

Mike informs them that at some point Ina&Kevin may come over for dinner another day...
Dad: She can see what a picky eater I am!
Mike: She has met you before. She has observed you not eating.
Dad: And dinner is going to be between 5 and 6?
Mike: What was promised to you before you got here?
Dad: No I just want to make sure because I want to go to the health club and work out, and make sure it's an hour and a half before I eat.
Dad: Is Jack up? I think I'll call Jack and see if he's up. Val, I'll use that [the toothbrush] when you're done.

My dad had gone to the FFC and asked about getting a "I'm from out of town, can I work out here?" pass. The guy apparently asked if he had gotten this pass before.
Dad: I went to the health club the guy sez to me have you been here before. So I sez to him let's see, you've got the chest machine in that corner over there. The balls are over there. The other machine is over there. He sez how do you know. I sez I come here every year.

We managed to get them rush tickets to Jersey Boys for tonight. Its theater is about a 10 or 15 minute walk, but it's easy enough to just take a bus up Dearborn from the stop about 100 yards from our front door.
Dad: Where is there a bus stop?
Me: In front of Hackney's. You remember where Hackney's is, right?
Dad: Yes of course I know where hackneys is. We ate there with Mike's parents.
Me: That is correct.
Dad: There's no bus stop there. On the side street.
Me: Hackney's is on dearborn and there is a bus stop right in front of it.
Dad: No there is not! There is no bus stop there I have been there! *points in exactly the opposite direction*
Dad: It's right there! We walked in, sat at the bar while we waited, and then sat in the third to the last table. It's right there, we were there. The entrance is on a side street.
Me: I don't remember or care where we sat. The entrance is on Dearborn. I don't think there's one in the back, on Plymouth. There is a bus stop, on dearborn, at which several buses stop before heading north on Dearborn.
Dad: No. I was there. Last year. There is no bus stop.
Me: So what I'm hearing is, I, the person living here, am telling you about where a bus stop is. And what I'm hearing from you, someone who does not live here, is arguing about whether there's a bus stop and where it is, and pointing in the opposite direction instead of "ok thanks."
Dad: There's no bus stop I was there.

They decided to invent a cost of the rush tickets for my grandmother, so she wouldn't get upset if they spend $25/ticket. We all had to be in on the lie.
Dad: So what's the story for your mother in case she asks me.
Mom: They had like a drawing and we won it so we were able to get the $10 tickets in the back of the orchestra section
Dad: You know what she'll say to you: so much?

And now, a collection of random "conversations" from the past 2 days - they typically came from out of nowhere.

Dad: I saw on ESPN there's a lady 41 years old she's in the olympics, she's 41 years old. She takes her own chiropractor with her.
Mom: Oh really you saw this on the news?
Dad: Yeah, a lot of them do that. They take their own chiropractors because it stretches your muscles.

Dad: My calf is really sore. MM! HM!

Dad: Do you know there was a big fight on the View?
Me: You watch The View?
Dad: I like a good fight.
Me: And who do you side with?
Dad: I like Elizabeth
Me: Of course you do.
Dad: No! someone sent a video of the fight.
They watch - engrossed,entranced - a youtube video of the view with Whoopi Goldberg arguing with Elizabeth about who can and cannot, should and should not say the N word.
Dad: I happen to agrees with her [Elizabeth]!
Me: Why?
Dad: She's very smart. She's right.

Dad: Val, Diane sent an email at midnight.
Mom: Ha!
Dad: Open it up, I'm dying to see her email.
*Sits down*
Dad: Ow! ow! ow!
*gets up*
Mom: She says she went to the doctor and had a stress test. Scott do you know what a Thalium stress test is? What does it look for?
Me: Do you know what a stress test is for?
Mom: They look at your heart?
Me: And how do they stress you?
Mom: Well, you can go on a treadmill
Me: Right...
Mom: Or, they can ...give you some kind of chemical!
Me: *coy* Could that chemical be called Thalium?
Mom: Ohhhhhhh! So the results tell about the heart?
Me: That's what we all figured out together.
Mom: This friend of ours the one I bought the mug for, all of a sudden she had terrible chest pains she felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. They kept her overnight...
Dad: Where are my socks Val?!? Where are my socks?
Mom: ...and then they let her out the next day. And then they said she should have another test, on tuesday and wednesday, and now she got the results.
Dad: Anything else in the mail?
Mom: The next appointment is for her legs and they want to rule out a blockage in the veins. But her legs are in bad shape for her legs. Should I reply back?
Dad: Yeah! Tell her that I ate at Nathan's! Stan will hate that!
Mom: It's so funny typing on yours because it's not as deep as mine, the letters. It's weird.

Dad: You must have a big Puerto Rican section here in Chicago, right? Because this is a Puerto Rican parade. Here. Where is the Puerto Rican section?
Me: If I told you it wouldn't mean anything to you.
Dad: That's fine.
Me: Humboldt Park.
Dad: When I get back I'm going to ask the guys from Chicago where that is.
Mike: You wouldn't prefer to look at a map?
Dad: I'm going to ask the guys from Chicago where it is.
*The channel was then changed to ESPN*

Dad: You know the new batman movie Dark Knight? People just paid $180 a ticket to see it. We should go see that tonight.

Dad: We saw several hookers last night. Walking home.
Me: Stop!
Dad: What? They were hookers!
Me: You lost all credibility when you thought the black women from the Greek restaurant were hookers, sitting at the bar.
Dad: I didn't say the women at the bar were hookers.
Me: You said the ones there were
Dad: No! I said the 3 at the front?
Me: They were not hookers. They were sitting on chairs in the entrance waiting to be seated. They were professional African-American women who were going to dinner after work.
Dad: They were hookers!
Me: Ok, whatever, but since that is what you think hookers are, I don't care whether you saw alleged hookers walking home.
Dad: Scott, I saw hookers walking home tonight.
Me: Fine! it doesn't matter!

Me: So, want to go see Chris Rock?
Dad: I like Chris Rock. He's great!
Me: Really?
Dad: I love watching black comedians. Do you know [multiple names listed]? He swears! It's great
Me: Not really.
Dad: Higley? DJ Higley? You like DJ Higley? Who's the other one Val? Who's the other one? You remember him Val? He had his own special? He was great on the black comedy show but on his own show he was horrible!
Me: D.L. Hughley?
Dad: Yeah him. And Martin Lawrence. They're great.

Dad: Scott! Is there anywhere I can go to get a gatorade after the gym?
Me: When we went by the gym yesterday and you asked about your pass, did we also go to a grocery store?
Dad: No!
Me: Are you sure we didn't go to Jewel?
Dad: I didn't go by a Jewels!
Me: We went to the gym and Jewel which are right next to each other
Mom: Jer, remember yesterday when we went to get the passes. We went in the Jewel Osco.
Dad: The grocery store isn't on the way to the gym!
Me: I never said it was.
Dad: I asked what I can go to on the way. Forget it! I'll get a power drink. I'll get a smoothie. They're only $2. I'll get one.

Mom: Scott, your shoes are matching again today
Me: What?
Mom: I said to your dad yesterday how you were wearing brown shoes and your clothes had brown in them. Today you are wearing clothes with black in them and your black shoes.
Me: I'm not a savage!
Dad: What?
Me: I'm not an animal
Dad: I didn't call you an animal!
Me: I didn't say you did. I said I'm not one
Mom: Why are you saying that?
Me: Never mind, our senses of humors are not compatible
Dad: HUH!?!!
Me: You made a "joke" earlier about asking a store with an Obama sticker in the window if they had any McCain stickers. I didn't laugh. Now I'm making a joke, and you are unaware of its humor.
Dad: What joke?!?
Me: You were commenting on how I dress well, and I responded with 'Well I'm not an animal!'
Mom: Animals don't dress well!
Me: Ohmygod. Never. Mind.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Rest of Day: I've got some news for you!

We go walk around downtown, get an ink cartridge refill, and lunch.

Walking back...
Dad: I got news for ya. It's more muggy now than it was this morning.
Us: How is that news?
Dad: It's humid!
Us: That's not news.
Dad: Val! It's a lot more humid here than it is in Arizona. Even than it was this morning.
Us: Um, ok.

We return and install the printer cartridge
Mom: Jer, now we will be able to print our boarding passes
Dad: Good! I like to get my seat.
Mike: Don't you like the back?
Dad: Yeah
Me: And the window?
Dad: Yeah
Us: Those are not desirable. Nobody wants to sit there. You have no reason to be in the A group and board early.
Dad: I like to sit there.
Me: So, why do you like the back?
Dad: I'm comfortable there!
Me: But why do you like it? How is it comfortable?
Dad: I like the back. I just like...Do you like the front?
Me: Yeah
Dad: Why do you like the front! Ha!
Me: So I can get off first. But...that doesn't answer why you like the back.
Dad: Let's just say...I know two pilots who used to fly for America West. And they said, if you have to land without wheels, or do a crash landing, it is better to be in the back of the plane.
Me: So it has nothing to do with your comfort?
Dad: It's comfortable back there!
Me: What? The chances of that are so small. Why don't you just sit in an exit row so you can get out first?
Dad: A what?
Mom: Jer, the row where you have to help people get out.
Dad: I don't want that! It's too squished!
Me: Just saying. It's silly to alter behavior from something with a very poor chance.

Dad looks at a random Pride magazine we have lying around.
Dad: You ever been to Hamburger Mary's?
Me: Unfortunately
Dad: Is it any good?
Me: You don't want to go there
Dad: Are their burgers good?
Me: Nobody goes there for the burgers. Do you know what you're looking at?
Dad: Yes!
Me: It's just a hangout place that happens to serve food.
Dad: I should ask Danny if he's ever been to Midnight Mary's!

Meanwhile, my dad's had knee problems, which are relatively more believeable than most of his psychosomatic bodily illusions. We would expect that walking around in a city is a bit much for anyone used to the Sun City Grand lifestyle – but he needed to make a production of placing ice on his joints. This required 3 towels and a few ice cubes.
Dad: Val! I got an idea! Make me a can!
Mom: Well, we can do that for tomorrow. Scott, do you have, like, an empty soup can? So we can fill it with water and put it in the freezer. Then it's ice for Dad's knee, he likes to do that…
Dad: It gets done faster!
Me: No, you know we just took care of all the recycling yesterday.
Dad: Let's just buy a can of soup and throw it away! Use the can!

He returns to his current ice-bag-and-towel situation. Pat. Adjust. Pat. Grunt. The TV is on.
Dad: Can you imagine wearing one of those black burqas all day!? In the heat?! A black burqa! 103!
Me: Ha!
Dad: Why is that funny?
Me: It's funny that you're commenting on it and imagining it.
Dad: It's hot!

Post-ice, we're off to the Spertus Jewish Museum. He's ok looking at maps and stuff, although he usually gives up after about 10 minutes and sits. This time he looked out the window.
Dad: Do you have an aquarium?
Me: Yes, that's it over there.
Dad: I love to look at the fishes!

We go to the library section, where he mostly entertains himself with "The Encyclopedia of Jews in Sports" My mother reads like Jewish Woman or some magazine.
Dad: Val! They have a Jewish bullfighter!
Mom: Have you ever heard of Amy Winehouse?
Me: Yes
Mom: Did you know she's Jewish?
Me: No surprise
Mom: Have you heard her sing?
Me: Ha. Of course
Mom: Jer, have you heard of Amy Winehouse?
Dad: She's a screwball!

Upon finishing, we go outside to wait for Mike who did not come to the museum. Complicated plans involved Mike biking to get them a CTA visitor pass and bring it to us, biking to the restaurant while we bussed, and biking home post-restaurant to get wine & refrigerated dessert to eat out at Millenium Park free concert.
Dad: So Mike is gonna meet us here?
Me (annoyed already, by the blatantly obviousness): Yes
Dad: And then we're going to the restaurant?
Me: Yes
Dad: And we're taking a bus or a train?
Me: It doesn't matter, but a bus.
Dad: How is Mike getting here?
Me: It doesn't matter!
Dad: He said he was gonna bike. Is he gonna bike?
Me: Ohmygod! Stop!
Dad: What? It's a simple question! I just asked if he's riding his bike.
Me: I know, it doesn't matter.
Mom: Scott, your dad just asked a basic question! Geez!
Me: It's not the quality, it's the quantity, please just ask one of every four questions that pops into your head.
Dad (to mom): *laughing* He's crazy!
Mom: *laughing* Scott, you're hard to talk to.
*girl with many tattoos walks by*
Dad: Look at her! I wonder if she came from a tattoo farm?

We eventually get on the bus to dinner (it's 5:00). He comments every so often.
Dad: This is an amazing city!
Dad: So many people!
Dad: Val, I've seen more people today than I've seen all year!

We get to the restaurant and are seated.
Dad: This is the same table we sat at last year!
Us: Ok.
I order the gyros.
Dad: That's not what you got last year.
Me: Ok. I know.
Dad: What'd you get last year?
Me: Maybe the Pastitsio
Dad: What's that?
Me: A macaroni thing.
Dad: But you got those jeye-roes 2 years ago! We sat over there by the fireplace!
Us: Ok.
Dad: See! I remember!

We take the bus back to Millenium Park. They immediately decide it's too loud and go sit in the back on a bench, where the speakers are hanging right over them and it's basically just as loud. They decide it's not because they're at the back. We drink a lot of wine and hang with friends. After I bus & walk home with them while Mike bikes. We walk by the Hilton Chicago valet driveway thing...
Dad: Look at the cars in here! Val! 60! 75! 30! So much money in there!

Back at home, we watch the new Project Runway.
Dad: You like this?
Me: You like wrestling?
Dad: I like South Park better than either one.

They check their email and go to bed. I spend 2 hours working on all this. :P


The Morning: Abs etc.

Today we woke up to my mother on the phone...

Mom (on the phone with her mother, Goldie): Mike made a bread, it was like a bread, it was made in the oven—
Dad (interrupts with a typical out-of-nowhere sort of statement): It's very humid out. It's horrible. The minute I went outside I was soaking wet. I went to Manny's. Delicious.
Mom: —coconut flour. Interesting cause we were talking about how you get flour from a coconut, but it was made of like hummus flour, like hummus, from chickpeas. Chickpeas flour.

Meanwhile, Dad starts using my Macbook.
Dad: This is nothing like our computer! I'm just not used to his computer! It doesn't make sense! It doesn't make any sense! It's too different. I don't understand this computer. It doesn't make any sense.
Mom: Jerry, that's because we don't have our passwords stored! Remember that time we went to the library in another city, and I had to type in a password. It's like that.
Dad (after basically ignoring her): It says here one of them died in the red line. Where's the red line. [In contrast to uptalk, in which statements sound like questions, my dad speaks in questions that sound like statements.]
Scott: You've been on the red line.
Dad: Where?
Scott: It goes north and south.
A few minutes later...
Dad: Let me ask you a question. What do you think of Jesse Jackson? Of the things jesse jackson said.
Scott: That it's irrelevant to either candidate's policy positions.

Once computer time was over, it was TV time.
Mike comment: "The TV, perhaps through inadvertent button-pushing, somehow got moved from Fox News to probably an adjacent channel, which seemed to be showing infomercials, those tragic long-form gems. Mind you, it's about 9 in the morning, and these are things meant to be viewed between 3 and 5 AM, if at all, but someone (guess who!) had to entertain himself with the television. The transcript has pauses of up to 60 seconds between sentences; no one else is paying any attention to the television."
Dad: There's a new ab machine!
Dad: I wonder how much this one is *snaps fingers*.
Dad: Your club should get this, Val.
Dad: They have two! Those two are a waste of money! Nobody uses that. I asked at the club. The other one they put behind the bench because nobody uses it.
Mom: There's a few people that use it, because I see, you have to sign up for it, I see the paper.
*Bathroom break for Mom, Mom returns*
Mom: You know what I just noticed today, the photos behind the door, in the bathrooom, you know there are two things. That's the pictures of our pool! Where it says 0 feet!
Dad (ignoring her, again): Val is this the machine that they have at our club? Is that it?
Mom: Yes! That's it! A-B coaster!
Mom: Oh that's it, I can't believe it
Dad: See you're supposed to pull with your stomach.
Mom: I'm gonna try it. We should try it. How much is it? But yours doesn't have that pad where her elbows are.
Dad: Yes it does it's the same thing.
Mom: Think i'll go try it.
Dad: If you try it, right next to it on the counter, there's a clipboard, you put your name and the time you're going on it. I don't see why it matters for that.

The "Ab Coaster" infomercial remains on but Dad has lost interest.
Dad: It's only 8:20 in Arizona. Let's see if Danny's home, see if he played [softball].
Mom: Oh ask if he got his computer fixed. It was broken and he was going to get it fixed.
Dad: They're gonna take it to Best Buy. Danny said they have geeks there
Dad: [on the phone with 'Danny']: It's very humid here. Is it going to rain there?
His phone conversation with his 'friend' ends and he relates something about fixing the surely malware-infected computer and Best Buy.
Dad: They can afford anything they want… even though they have no money.

Minutes (felt like 20, probably 5) later, the Ab coaster commercial still droning on...
Dad: I wonder how much this thing costs. Gotta be three or four hundred dollars.

He also got "a paper" when he went out to Manny's.
Mom: Do you want to read the paper?
Me: No, I'm sure I already read things online that are actually relevant.
Mom: Do you have a special place to recycle the paper? Or do you throw it in the trash?
Me: Yes
Mom: You have a place?
Me: Why did you ask two questions in a row with opposite answers?
Mom: Scott! What are you talking about?
Me: Gimme the paper and I'll recycle it.
Me: This is a fucking The USA Today paper.
Mom: So?
Me: This is a horrible paper.
Mom: Your dad likes the sports?
Me: For the stupid infographics?
Mom: What?
Me: See this in the corner (link unavailable so far)? It's a stupid thing that says "Do executives want a cover letter with a résumé? Yes 86% No 14%"
Mom: That's funny.
Me: No! It's horrible! Who cares? Why is the graphic so ugly, over a stupid fake letter. And it's a pie chart! And you can barely see it.
Mom: Oh who cares
Me: And do you think this is reliable?! Source: OfficeTeam survey of 150 senior executives.

While I continue to laugh at the The USA Today, she reads the lifestyle section
Mom: Jer! Robin Williams is gonna be in a new movie. He's gonna play a guy whose son dies from auto-er-rote-i-cis-m.
Dad: That's nice.
Mom: Scott, have you ever done a su-du-ko?
Me: Nope. But I have done sudoku.
Mom: They intimidate me. I don't like numbers. I like crosswords.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oh this is funny!

My parents get their own switched user on my macbook where I put bookmarks of their sites.

Dad: Can I get my Celtics?
Me: I set up a bookmark for you already. Click the one that says Celtics.
Dad: There's nothing that says Celtics.
Me: Look closer.
Dad: Oh there it is! Val! They lost Posey!
Dad: How do I change the thing?
Me: Do you mean you want to go to a different webpage?
Dad: I want to check senior softball
Me: Do you see something already prepared for you that says Senior Softball?
Dad: Let's see...yeah! 
Mom: Scott, this computer is so different!
Me: Um, how?
Mom: Oh this is funny...what a funny screen!

They discovered our new Chiasso rug.
Mom: Wow! This rug is nice!
Us: Thanks
Dad: Is it wool?
Me: No. Mike: Yes!
Dad: It's wool?
Me: No. Mike: Of course
Dad: I'm allergic to wool.
Me: Mike, he's allergic to wool. Now that he knows it's wool, he's going to be allergic to it.
Mom: Jer, it's on the floor
Mike: My rug is also allergic to dirt, so please take your shoes off.
Dad: *whispers* Ask him!
Mom: Scott, do you think we could maybe put something on the rug under the bed? Or fold the rug over?
Me: Why?
Mom: Your dad is concerned about his allergies
Dad: I don't wanna have problems!
Mom: Maybe if we fold it so the wool isn't facing up.
Me: You're sleeping on a mattress on a rug. I think it'll be fine. Let's try a night and see.

Eating dinner, we explain someone is coming to pick up the couch we were selling online.
Mom: So someone is coming to get it?
Mike: Yup
Mom: Did you sell it on craigslist?
Mike: Yup
Me: What? You know what that is?
Mom: Ha! I name-dropped it cause I thought you'd be proud of me!
Me: I am.
Mom: *giggles*
Me: Aren't you proud of yourself that you know more about the internet than John McCain?
Mom: Haha
Me: Isn't that sad...that you know more about the internet than John McCain?
Dad: Let's not talk about politics!
Me: That's fine. I'm done
Dad: We should not talk about politics
Me: I'm not
Dad: Listen, I could say some things about Obama
Mom: Jerry! stop!
Me: We're not talking about it.

We also informed them about our exciting grocery store trip in our new IGO Car.
Me: We're going to the store at 8:30
Mom: Why such a specific time?
Me: We're driving
Dad: You don't own a car!
Me: I know. We signed up for a carshare
Mom: What's...
Dad: How much!
Mom: that?
Me: It's like a timeshare...but for a car. $25 a year
Dad: Can you get a good one?
Mom: Where do you get it?
Me: It's nearby, and you can pick which one you want from what's in the spots.
Me: So this is it
Dad: How much is it for the hour?
Me: Like $6
Dad: That's not so bad! Val! This is wild. I wish we had one of these
Mom: Is there an attendant?
Us: Huh?
Mom: Is there someone to check when you take it in and out?
Me: No. These are just 2 spots with 2 cars from the company.
Dad: Let's go Val! We have to be back by 9:30 so they don't get overcharged.
Mom: If you bring it back early will you get any money back?
Me: No. Not at all.

Finally, back home, even though we now use a projector + mythtv, we set up the regular tv for him to use and gave him the remote for it.
Dad: How do I work this?
Mike: Like a regular remote control. It's a remote control.
Dad: Where's the power button?
Me: The TV is on
Dad: Where's the power button?
Me: Don't you wanna change the channel? We left the TV on for you.
Dad: Where's the power button!! I want to try turning it on and off
Me: Why?
Mike: At the top. It says power.
Dad: I can't see it! I don't have my glasses!
Me: That's not my fault
Dad: Let's see if I can remember the channel numbers. Hmm...
Mom: What number is your thing where I can see all of the channel listings?
Me: The TV guide channel is 96
Dad: Val, tell me which is foxnews
Me: It's in the late 50s or so
Dad: Val, I can't see I don't have my glasses
Mom: Ok I'm looking. 
Me: It's in the late 50s.
*scrolling on screen, slowly*
Mom: Jer, I don't see it
Me: For the third time, it's in the late 50s.
Mom: I didn't see it
Dad: *goes to 50* 50! 51! 52!...60! It's on 60!
Me: I said that
Dad: That's not the late 50s!
Me: OMG. Just watch it and be quiet please.

While he entertained himself, we showed my mother how to use the French Press so they can have coffee in the morning.


Sunday, July 13, 2008


We took the redline home when Mike got a flat. At the Chicago stop, a fabulous black woman got on with a large font "Bad Boyfriend" on the front of her shirt. She was on the phone.

FBW: Mm hmm. My kids are in summer SCHOOL.
FBW: I ain't gon' get down there till bout ten o' CLOCK.
FBW: I know but I need my license! Yes! Girl I need something new in my wardrobe. I might have a sexy BRA but that's it.
FBW: *looks at phone* (which reads "Unregistered No.") I gotta go! My momma calling.

I'll fill in what mom probably said...
{Mom: Are you somewhere where other people can hear you?}
FBW: The WHOLE PUBLIC can hear me on the train! Yes I said the whole public can hear me ON THE TRAIN.
{Mom: Are you still seeing that guy?}
FBW: That's why he need a BIGGER place. Yes a bigger place.
{Mom:'re still seeing him? What's it gonna take?}
FBW: Mm hmm he need to work on his GAME. He can't be coming round here intoxicated. Needs to work on his GAME!

Sadly, we had to get off the L.

Capris Pre Parent

My parents are visiting July 16-21. Today I got to answer any pre-visit questions they had.

Mom: Do you think it may be chilly at night?
Me: It may, at like 11pm, be down to 62 when there's wind.
Dad: That's cold!
Mom: I'm going to bring a light jacket for me, and  maybe a long sleeve shirt for your father
Me: Ok
Mom: I usually wear, do you know, for ladies, capris pants are?
Me: Yes

Dad: How far are you from the north side?
Me: Where on the north side?
Dad: I don't know. The north side!
Me: 2 to 20 miles. Why?
Dad: I may go play softball with this guy. He said he'd pick me up.
Mom: Jerry! We're there to see Scott!
Dad: I can play ball. He won't be awake anyway? Scott what are you doing friday morning?
Me: What? I don't know? Where is this place?
Dad: Mount Prospect Heights
Me: That's in the suburbs
Mom: Jerry, that's far!
Dad: He said he'd pick me up!
Me: Whatever
Mom: Jer, you don't need to play ball.
Dad: We'll see.
Me: I don't care.

Dad: What's your air set at?
Me: 76
Dad: That's cold!
Mom: Jer, they figured out what's good for them
Dad: We tried 76, it's too cold
Mom: We keep our place at 79, 80
Dad: We had people over and turned it down to 76. I was freezing
Mom: Jer, their place may be different
Me: We have a lot of sun
Dad: Val! If my nose is bad, I may need them to turn it up to 77 or 78
Mom: We'll see how it is
Dad: I'm just saying this now so we don't have to argue
Me: I'm not promising you now that I'll change the temperature. Don't sit by the vent.


Friday, July 11, 2008

The Game

Whole Foods. St. Louis. Last Sunday. Black female cashier in lane #6. I notice a tattoo across her chest.

Me: Oooh what does your tattoo mean?
Cashier: Latai 'ja (lah-tay-jah)! It's my daughter name!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Sucking & Falling

Our a/c people are here to fix the new unit they put in. The air filter (16 x 20) was too small for its rest (17x22 ish) so it would get lifted up when the unit came on, and then fall down. They also checked the refrigerant cause it seemed it wasn't cooling right.

I explain the problem to them...
Guy 1: I'm gonna take care of yous.
Me: Great
Guy 1: So I could put something right in the middle here
Me: No, it just needs some sort of bracket on the sides to hold it in? Because we have to be able to change it.
Guy 1: Ah I see what yous are saying. Ok. Do you think we could give you a custom filter you could clean?
Me: Um, we get this really high quality one...
Guy 1: Ok yeah yous like this kind. Well sir, we'll see what we can do. We're gonna take care of yous.

Guy 1: Can you get my 1/4 bit?
Guy 2: It's not here. I only got some strippies.
Guy 1: Look, here's there problem. It's sucking and falling.
Guy 2: Well let's keep it from falling
Guy 1: No, it's not the falling. It's the sucking. We just gotta prevent the sucking. As long as it's not sucking it's not gonna be falling.
Guy 2: Yeah that works dude.

In progress...
Guy 1: That's what I'm talking about
Guy 2: It's really sweating now
Guy 1: It's in nice now I think.
Guy 2: Good, I thought it was gonna be a tough one.
Guy 1: There it is. There it is!

He finishes...
Guy 1: Look at that!
Guy 2: Nice
Guy 1: No more sucking!
Guy 2: That'll be real good.
Guy 1: Yeah, I told sucking, no falling.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Girl Talk

So I was listening to my new favorite NPR show The Bryant Park Project last week (which was designed to be and clearly comes across as a morning show for people in their 20s). Apparently it started last fall with Allison Stewart (I'm sure I'm not the only one to remember her from MTV news) and Luke Burbank (he guest panelists on WaitWait every now and then). But the internets say he quickly left, then Rachel Martin was on as co-host, making them the first NPR (morning?) show with 2 female hosts. Yay for girls talking.

Then suddenly, Allison popped out a kid so she's on maternity leave; Rachel is apparently onto bigger and better and video-er things. Meanwhile, new(?)/temporary host Mike Pesca did a segment on artist GirlTalk. Then I read about it on PopWatch. Then I downloaded the album.

It's kind of the musical equivalent of the "someone takes drugs" segment in Requiem For A Dream when there are 100+ edits in 15 seconds or whatever it is. It also feels very Stuff White People Like: "I want to hear rappity men do their thing, but over interesting and comforting background beats like Avril Lavigne singing Girlfriend or Ace of Base All That She Wants Is Another Baby." Overall it's really fun though, and could easily be thrown on for an hour at a summer party when someone complains how they want to dance.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


The whole fist-bump as news thing is still really funny to me. But I have to agree with the BPP that ending all of your headlines with question marks is pretty stupid.

Grateful Zombies

Um, I think the word Grateful might reduce the ambiguity here lol.