The Morning: Abs etc.

Today we woke up to my mother on the phone...

Mom (on the phone with her mother, Goldie): Mike made a bread, it was like a bread, it was made in the oven—
Dad (interrupts with a typical out-of-nowhere sort of statement): It's very humid out. It's horrible. The minute I went outside I was soaking wet. I went to Manny's. Delicious.
Mom: —coconut flour. Interesting cause we were talking about how you get flour from a coconut, but it was made of like hummus flour, like hummus, from chickpeas. Chickpeas flour.

Meanwhile, Dad starts using my Macbook.
Dad: This is nothing like our computer! I'm just not used to his computer! It doesn't make sense! It doesn't make any sense! It's too different. I don't understand this computer. It doesn't make any sense.
Mom: Jerry, that's because we don't have our passwords stored! Remember that time we went to the library in another city, and I had to type in a password. It's like that.
Dad (after basically ignoring her): It says here one of them died in the red line. Where's the red line. [In contrast to uptalk, in which statements sound like questions, my dad speaks in questions that sound like statements.]
Scott: You've been on the red line.
Dad: Where?
Scott: It goes north and south.
A few minutes later...
Dad: Let me ask you a question. What do you think of Jesse Jackson? Of the things jesse jackson said.
Scott: That it's irrelevant to either candidate's policy positions.

Once computer time was over, it was TV time.
Mike comment: "The TV, perhaps through inadvertent button-pushing, somehow got moved from Fox News to probably an adjacent channel, which seemed to be showing infomercials, those tragic long-form gems. Mind you, it's about 9 in the morning, and these are things meant to be viewed between 3 and 5 AM, if at all, but someone (guess who!) had to entertain himself with the television. The transcript has pauses of up to 60 seconds between sentences; no one else is paying any attention to the television."
Dad: There's a new ab machine!
Dad: I wonder how much this one is *snaps fingers*.
Dad: Your club should get this, Val.
Dad: They have two! Those two are a waste of money! Nobody uses that. I asked at the club. The other one they put behind the bench because nobody uses it.
Mom: There's a few people that use it, because I see, you have to sign up for it, I see the paper.
*Bathroom break for Mom, Mom returns*
Mom: You know what I just noticed today, the photos behind the door, in the bathrooom, you know there are two things. That's the pictures of our pool! Where it says 0 feet!
Dad (ignoring her, again): Val is this the machine that they have at our club? Is that it?
Mom: Yes! That's it! A-B coaster!
Mom: Oh that's it, I can't believe it
Dad: See you're supposed to pull with your stomach.
Mom: I'm gonna try it. We should try it. How much is it? But yours doesn't have that pad where her elbows are.
Dad: Yes it does it's the same thing.
Mom: Think i'll go try it.
Dad: If you try it, right next to it on the counter, there's a clipboard, you put your name and the time you're going on it. I don't see why it matters for that.

The "Ab Coaster" infomercial remains on but Dad has lost interest.
Dad: It's only 8:20 in Arizona. Let's see if Danny's home, see if he played [softball].
Mom: Oh ask if he got his computer fixed. It was broken and he was going to get it fixed.
Dad: They're gonna take it to Best Buy. Danny said they have geeks there
Dad: [on the phone with 'Danny']: It's very humid here. Is it going to rain there?
His phone conversation with his 'friend' ends and he relates something about fixing the surely malware-infected computer and Best Buy.
Dad: They can afford anything they want… even though they have no money.

Minutes (felt like 20, probably 5) later, the Ab coaster commercial still droning on...
Dad: I wonder how much this thing costs. Gotta be three or four hundred dollars.

He also got "a paper" when he went out to Manny's.
Mom: Do you want to read the paper?
Me: No, I'm sure I already read things online that are actually relevant.
Mom: Do you have a special place to recycle the paper? Or do you throw it in the trash?
Me: Yes
Mom: You have a place?
Me: Why did you ask two questions in a row with opposite answers?
Mom: Scott! What are you talking about?
Me: Gimme the paper and I'll recycle it.
Me: This is a fucking The USA Today paper.
Mom: So?
Me: This is a horrible paper.
Mom: Your dad likes the sports?
Me: For the stupid infographics?
Mom: What?
Me: See this in the corner (link unavailable so far)? It's a stupid thing that says "Do executives want a cover letter with a résumé? Yes 86% No 14%"
Mom: That's funny.
Me: No! It's horrible! Who cares? Why is the graphic so ugly, over a stupid fake letter. And it's a pie chart! And you can barely see it.
Mom: Oh who cares
Me: And do you think this is reliable?! Source: OfficeTeam survey of 150 senior executives.

While I continue to laugh at the The USA Today, she reads the lifestyle section
Mom: Jer! Robin Williams is gonna be in a new movie. He's gonna play a guy whose son dies from auto-er-rote-i-cis-m.
Dad: That's nice.
Mom: Scott, have you ever done a su-du-ko?
Me: Nope. But I have done sudoku.
Mom: They intimidate me. I don't like numbers. I like crosswords.