She read you like a book

(noon ish - 11pm ish)
On the walk back, I asked why, for the second day in a row, he wore sweatpants and complained about sweating.
Dad: They're warm!
Me: Right, but you sweat.
Dad: I know! I don't want to sweat but I'm warm in them.
Me: You know they're called sweatpants for a reason, right?
Mom: Jerry, he's right! I told you to wear jeans.
Dad: Wow, I never thought of that.
Me: Yes, they're pants you sweat in. For when you want to get warm and sweat. You just want to be warm.
Mom: Scott's right Jer. You should wear your nice jeans tomorrow.
Dad: Alright fine I'll wear my jeans. Do you think I can put them in the dryer?
Me: What?
Dad: Yeah, can I put my shirt, pants, and underwear in the dryer at Steve's. I'll just stand in the laundry room for 5 minutes while they dry.
Me: Um, if that's necessary. They probably have a robe though.
Dad: No I don't need that. I can stand in there.

Back hanging out at Steve & Shane's, dad decided against drying pants and just handed his shirt to my mother. My mother was afraid of Steve's dryer. Steve was afraid of my dad's wet shirt. It went in the dryer. Meanwhile, my mother told Steve all about the colors for her new place. More purple talk (see yesterday). Then, we were all enlightened on Pickle Ball...
Mom: Here's something I play you've never heard of. It's called Pickle Ball.
Steve: No?
Mom: It was invented by a guy. His dogs name was Pickles. (Mike: Why is his dog named Pickles?) It's like ping pong but you're standing on the table. There's a whiffle ball. People play doubles. There's a lot of people playing it. They quit tennis to play. A lot of people get hurt. There's a podiatrist down the street. He loves it. People get injured and they go to him.

Hanging out the rest of the day was mostly uneventful, from the crazy parent perspective. We left to head back downtown. My dad got on the train and immediately asked the young woman with a pizza box who got on with us, "What kind of pizza is that?"
–"Well, it's complicated… it's half broccoli and artichoke and tomato and half spinach and chicken and ricotta."
"That's leftover?"
–"Yeah, it's half of each of those. It's for my roommate. — You're from out of town, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
–"Honestly?"
"Yeah, of course!"
–"Well… the sweatpants."
"The sweatpants?"
–"Yeah."
"What's wrong with sweatpants? I wear these all the time."
Mike interjected, "By the way, we don't know her and we didn't pay her to say that." I laughed. A lot.
She added, "And you talked to me randomly."
"I always do that. People don't do that?"
–"No."
"What's wrong with wearing sweatpants?"
–"Well, it's not wearing them," she hedged, "but more when and how you wear them."
"When and how? I'm wearing them. Now."
–"Right. But like… not just around the house. Outside the house."
"Oh. Everyone wears them like this, just like this, all the time where we're from in Arizona."
–"...and the bottom, like the elastic, well, people don't usually wear it with it so tight. The band at the bottom."
"They came like this! I bought them like this! I bought them just like this."
–"I'm sure you did…"
"In Arizona!"
Mike: "Again, we don't know her…"
She delved deeper: "…and the socks."
"What's wrong with my socks?"
–"Well with the shoes and the sweatpants and the band and the white socks showing."
"You know I'm not from here. People don't wear socks?"
–"They do but… not white ones that show… like that. Like him (pointing at my long jeans covering up his white socks)."
I nodded.
We talked about where she's from and how they're visiting me for a few more minutes, then we had to get off the train. When we got off the train, Mom remarked to Dad, "She must have read
the same book as Scott. Scott! She must have read the same book as you about the sweatpants!"
Yeah. Someone got read. By a stranger. On the el.

We got off the train to go to Fleet Feet. He heard it was the best shoe store around. My dad has "high arches" that allegedly magically become low and flat some days, and are high on others. His mother apparently had the same problem. This "condition" results in countless hours at shoe stores looking for sneakers for daily walking and cleats for softball. 99/100 times, he buys a pair of shoes that is ok at the store. Then he walks some more at home, and they in fact suck. The only shoes he wants, they don't make any more so he had to buy the tester. They were there for over an hour. Mike and I went to the grocery store, then he went home to cook and I sat next door at Starbucks.

The brown line was all kinds of fucked up coming home. Unfortunately that delayed us getting in till 6pm! My dad ate his leftover Greek pasta the second we got home. "It's even better the second day. Those spices are still in it. What spices are they?" We informed him again that it was cinnamon and coriander. "I've never heard of that second one."

I thought it would be fun to have them meet whomever of my friends happened to be in town. Ina, Julian, Joe, Neil&Kevin, Brian&Benjeman came over for some veggie crepes and tofu&chicken satay.
Dad sat on the couch, saying very little. Occassionally he would shout "what's that Val? I can't hear" and make her repeat something. This is intermixed with him occassionally saying "I hear really good!" He didn't interject or say anything, unless we got to a topic he kind of knows about. Like roads.
Neil: I've been to Sedona. We went there from Vegas. It's beautiful.
Dad: Oh! Did you take 40?
Neil: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Dad: We've been on 40! South of Sedona it becomes highway 17.
Neil: Ok.

My mother was pretty sociable. She told Joe all about Pickle ball. Ina and her talked about Mahjong. I walked Ina out and she confirmed my suspected diagnosis for my dad. Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

After everyone left, the fun really began.
Mom: So, how does Ina feel hanging out with a bunch of, you know, gay guys?
Me: She doesn't mind. Besides, I told you 9 times, I have other friends who are not here.
Mom: So, she's not a lesbian then?
Me: No
Dad: She's not a lesbian?
Me: No
Mom: She has a boyfriend?
Me: Yes
Dad: Where was he?
Me: He lives in DC
Dad: Oh, I guess she's not a lesbian.

Mom: So we noticed that the other ones, Brian and Benjeman? They had the rings like you?
Me: Yes
Dad: Oh, so they're together too?
Me: Yes
Mom: How about Neil and...what was his name? Kevin?
Me: Yes
Dad: Does Joe have a partner?
Me: Yes, Randy. He is out of town with his parents
Dad: How about the other one? Julian?
Me: He's single.
Dad: Oh, ok.

The night ended with an attempt at watching Daily Show. My dad turned it off when Howard Dean was the guest. "He's too liberal."
Mike: Why?
Dad: I like a strong defense
Me: What?
Dad: I want to make sure we can defend ourselves cause we are at war.
Mike: Well, that isn't by interrogating people at Guantanamo.
Dad: But we're at war! Don't you wanna win the war?
Me: Um, can we turn on Stephen Colbert?