My dad is sleeping on an air mattress, the same one he slept on last year. He had a question for me when he got up.
Dad: Scott. Question. Is that the same mattress as last year?
Dad: It's not different?
Dad: Ok. Can you try to explain something? Last year, it was long enough. But this year, my feet hang over the edge.
*pauses for 5-10 seconds*
Dad: Do you know why that is?
Me: Were you sleeping at an angle last year?
Dad: I did last night too!
Me: Ok, it's one of 2 things. Either you slept at a better angle last year, or you don't remember last year very accurately.
Dad: My memory is great!
Mom: Jerry, did you sleep at a different end of the bed last year? Maybe you were lying at the foot of the bed!
Me: It's an air mattress. Why does that matter?
Mom: It could make a difference!
Dad: Oooh! I know! I went to the chiropractor - maybe I got taller because my spine was adjusted.
Me: I don't think that's it.
Dad: You don't know! It could be!
Me: Ok, it's one of 3 things. I think that we've narrowed it down.
Narrow Range of Temperature
I bring the parents to my school, by the train.
Dad: Scott, it was too cold last night! I needed every blanket.
We walk outside to the train.
Dad: Oh is it cold out!
Me: It's 50.
Mom: Jer, I'm not even wearing my hat!
Dad: It's freezing!
Me: No it's not
Dad: Scott, we're not used to this! You don't know my body.
We see a woman walking to get coffee, clearly having left her coat at work, wearing a skirt and professional blouse
Dad: She must be freezing. She's nuts!
Mom: Well, she's used to it.
Me: She's obviously just getting coffee.
Dad: *to her* Aren't you cold?!?
We take the train to school, and get inside a hallway.
Dad: Val! It's way too hot in here!
Mom: They have the heat on Jer.
Me: Don't you like it hot?
Dad: This is way too hot. It's ridiculous. I'm gonna sweat!
We walk around and talk to people, eventually getting on the train to go back to Chinatown.
Dad: *feeling train* I think they got the air conditioning on! That's nuts!
Me: Doesn't that keep the temperature from being too hot?
Dad: Scott, the a/c is on in winter!
Me: You are insane. Every temperature is too hot or too cold. What the hell is an acceptable temperature?!?
Dad: I like Phoenix. It's 110.
Me: How is that not too hot? And the hallway was?
Dad: Scott, you have to understand one thing - I like the heat.
We went for Spring World $4 lunch special at 1pm. My dad refused to get anything because 1) he was too stuffed from breakfast (Lox Eggs and Onions at 7:30am) and 2) he doesn't like non-breast chicken meat. My mother said the sauce was "really good. really flavorful."
Figuring out the L
After Chinatown, we got on the train to go to some shoe store in Old Town. We take the redline north to North/Clybourn.
Dad: Is this our train?
Me: Only one train comes here.
Dad: So this is it?
Me: If only one train comes here, and a train is here, what do you think?
Dad: Scott! I just asked a question!
Dad: What stop did we get on at?
Me: We're going to North and Clybourn.
Dad: Ok. Where did we get on? *looks up at stop listing*
Dad: That's 6 stops!
Me: No, it's 10.
Dad: Let's see...how many to North/Claybourn. Roosevelt that's one...Clark/Division that's 9, ok 10 stops to North/Claybourn!
Me: That's what I said.
Dad: How long will it take?
Me: About 20 minutes.
Mom: *looks at watch* really?
Dad: Ok Val, that's 20 minutes to north and claybourn.
Announcement: This is Grand and State.
Dad: Chicago's next! 3 more stops Val!
Announcement: This is Chicago and State.
Dad: 2 more stops Val!
Announcement: This is Clark and Division.
Dad: Scott, what stop do we get off at?
Me: Oh! My! God! You are driving me crazy!
Announcement: This is North and Clybourn.
Mom: Jerry! You said it was Claybourn!
Dad: How long did that take Val?
Mom: *looks at watch* 16 minutes!
Dad: Scott you were wrong!
Me: I said 20 minutes, because if I said 15, you would be annoyed every second after 15 minutes and I'd have to hear about it. So I over-estimated.
I decided we would go get bagels, and get some lox so we can make lox eggs and onions at home, instead of him going out for it, cause, well, our eggs are better.
Dad: Is the shoe store right here?
Me: No, we're going to get bagels.
Dad: How far is that!
Me: A few blocks that way.
Dad: Where are the shoes?
Me: Back the other way.
Dad: How will we get there!
Me: A bus.
Dad: How long will that take!
Me: A few minutes.
After bagels, we get on the bus.
Dad: What stop will we get off at?
Me: You'll get off when I say to get off.
Dad: How far are we going?
Me: I've already told you.
Dad: How long will it take?
Me: Please stop!
Dad: Are we going too far?
Me: You are being incredibly frustrating!
Dad: I just like to know where I'm going.
Shoes. Let's get some shoes.
My dad tried on shoes for ~20 min while my mother and I went to the grocery store. We came back, and the following antics ensued.
Dad: This shoe is no good.
Mom: How many have you tried Jer?
Dad: 6 or 7. Nothing fits.
Salesman: So what did you say you will be using the shoes for?
Salesman: So are you going running? On trails?
Dad: Nah, just for getting around. You got anything for me?
Salesman: I'll go see what else I can find.
Salesman: Ok, I have these 3 that I pulled. This one is especially good for walking around but it's not a running shoe.
Dad: I might run in it!
Salesman: I thought you said you didn't need a running shoe.
Dad: Sometimes I use them for running!
Salesman: Ok, well, I have another one here that could be used for both. Try this on.
Dad: *puts them on* It's tight around the middle. Let me try it. *walks around* My foot goes right through it!
Me: Does that mean the shoe is too big or too small?
Dad: Too small!
Me: How can it be too tight around the middle, and yet your foot is able to slide forward and allegedly go right through it?
Dad: Don't tell me how my feet work.
Me: I'm not talking about your feet, I'm talking about physics and logic.
Dad: They were too tight and my foot went through it.
Me: Doesn't that mean you need a bigger size?
Dad: No, my arches won't sit on it right. I have high arches.
Mom: Scott, your dad has high arches. Plus, his left foot is bigger than the right. So if he gets a bigger size, then the right shoe won't fit.
Me: Doesn't that mean he just needs two different sizes?
Mom: Yeah, well, that doesn't work.
After 45 min of this poor salesman's time, and a few different verions of "are you sure you're not gonna open a store in Phoenix?" he had one pair to buy, which they brought up to the register. They were rung up, but the credit card machine line was down, so it took a couple minutes to restart. He was walking around and breathing heavily, giving my mother looks, muttering under his breath, and after 2 whole minutes, gives up.
Dad: Excuse me! Can you hurry up? We have somewhere to be at 4:30!
Me: We're not in a rush. Calm down.
Dad: *evil look* Scott! You have no street smarts.
Me: They can't make the phone line restart any faster.
Dad: I wanna get out of here.
Me: You made them bring you 10+ pairs of shoes, while we waited. If it's anyone's turn to have patience, it's yours.
Typed by Mike
Jerry: I need Gatorade. I thought a sports person like Scott would have Gatorade in the house. I always have Gatorade. I need vitamins and potassium. Gatorade has everything.
Mike: No, I don't know anyone who always has it around. I do know a lot of people who like vitaminwater though. Not all the time, of course. Have you had vitaminwater?
Mike: Have you heard of vitaminwater?
Val: Scott said earlier he offered some to Jer but we didn't know what it was and Scott said you had some.
Mike: Here, I think we have some. *finds the random bottle or two of flavors we don't like from the retreat*
Val: Oh look they have some. Jerry did you see this?
Jerry: What's in it.
Val: Let me find my reading glasses.
Jerry: It will say how much potassium it has. I need potassium.
Val: It says 10%.
Jerry: Gatorade has a ton of potassium it has everything I need. Scott's going to get me some Gatorade at the store.
Mike: The vitaminwaters have different things. Which one are you looking at?
Val: Oh it says… power-c. Oh. It must have vitamin c. *looks*. Jerry, this one has a lot of vitamin c.
Jerry: I took my vitamin c today I took three pills 1500 milligrams. I took my vitamin c.
Mike: and promptly peed it out.
Val: The other one says potassium.
Jerry: How much potassium?
Val: I don't know
Jerry: It says! right on the bottle!
Val: I'm looking.
Jerry: It says! Look for it it says how much potassium.
Val: Oh right here it is.
Mike: You see how they're different.
Jerry: Scott's getting me some Gatorade. You guys don't have gatorade in the house.
Val: Here it has __ potassium. Oh but Jerry you know what, it says it's reverse osmosis water.
Jerry: I can't have reverse osmosis!!
Mike: Excuse me?
Jerry: R-O water I can't have
Val: that's right, it… he has—
Jerry: I get heartburn. Acid reflux.
Val: that's right. From the R-O water. Because—
Mike: That is absurd.
Jerry: what do you mean?
Mike: It's water. You cannot possibly have a problem with a common and reliable filtration technique.
Val: He does.
Jerry: I get heartburn! They say, it's proven, that reverse osmosis… makes the water acidic.
Mike: Even if so, relative to other water. But you drink gatorade! Do you know what vitamin C is? Ascorbic acid.
Val: it's true you can give Jerry some water and he will say later, I think it was that reverse osmosis, I have heartburn now.
Jerry: It's acidic!
Mike: Not nearly as acidic as any of your precious Gatorade.
Jerry: I get terrible heartburn. From the water.
Mike: No you don't, that's ridiculous. It's water, that is impossible.
Val: Everyone is different.
Mike: No, not when it comes to water filtration. That's physically, chemically, impossible.
Jerry: I know the R-O water gives me heartburn.
Mike: Fine. Oh look Scott's back with the gatorade, just in time.